Mistakes

"I stopped fighting myself and started writing
Bout the anger that I feel when I catch grown people lying
Bout the way it weighs on me when I hear my mama sighing
Bout the pain that I feel when I think of little kids dying
I wrote it all down, used all my pads and pens
Put my feelings out there amongst my, enemies and friends
Did it all from my couch and kitchen table
While outside ain’t a damn thing changed,
Regardless of my sadness, heartbreak, and anger." Jj

It's funny the things that you think about sometimes. Well maybe not you, but at least I laugh at some of my thoughts at times. Anyway, as the title suggest I want to write about mistakes today. Simply defined a mistake is something that a person does wrong, some may even go so far to say something a person may regret. Most of us have made mistakes. For those of you that are reading that never have...kill yourself, you're perfect and you don't have crap to worry about on judgment day. But for the rest of us unfortunately we have to live with our mistakes and one day be held accountable for them. The easy part is making the mistakes. The hard part is doing the right thing afterward.
I recently talked with a friend who helped me see what it truly means to take a honest look at yourself. If you ever attempt this be warned, it's hard and scary as hell. There's a real possibility you may not like what you find but if you brave the attempt the reward is great. I guess this post is part of my attempt. I won't give a laundry list of my mistakes. There isn't enough time or ink to write them all so suffice it to say I've made many. Some I did something about and others I didn't. Yet, the one thing I've learned is that if you're going to make a mistake either make it count or make it trying to do right. Not all of my mistakes fall into those categories and I'm trying to do damage control...even now as I type.
I wrote the poem above when I was younger possibly even dumber. At the time I was pissed at all those who sit around talking but not doing. I thought it was an excellent way to make my point in a way they might understand. But as I have grown older my perspective has changed. Although, clearly still indicative of its intended purpose I think the poem can also relate to this topic. Mistakes left alone are the same as talking but no action. Neither achieves results. What is the point in making a mistake but not learning from it? The answer: nothing. You might as well have done nothing at all rather than tried and messed up.

So, if you're going to make mistakes...have the common decency to learn from them. If you're going to become a better person be willing to admit the wrong you've done. And, if you're going to become who you want to be, dare i say the person you were meant to be, then be willing to do something about the harm you've caused.

Either way know that your mistakes are part of who you are, right then, right now, and pretty soon. Don't be afraid to make mistakes but don't be afraid to correct them either.

Stay Up, Keep Fighting, and for your sake...Don't Quit.

Jj

Stay Up, Keep Fighting, Don't Quit

A friend of mine died when I was in college. His name was Christian and he died in his dorm room on campus, prayerfully, through no pain because he was asleep. It was sudden. So sudden that I remember standing outside the dorm with about 100 other students refusing to move until they brought the body out.

To security's credit they didn't force us to leave but simply suggested that we did.

Sometimes, I wish I had.

Because when they brought his body out I remember being so sad that I literally couldn't stand any more. Less than 40 degree weather and I was sitting on the ground in basketball shorts, a hoodie, and some house shoes. I don't remember how long I sat there, I don't remember who helped me up and got me to my room, I don't remember when or if I slept. I do remember feeling hopeless. I remember thinking that if life can end so suddenly what is the point in trying. That if with absolutely no warning I can be killed why should I try to make my life worth something to someone, especially if they would one day feel the way I felt. I remember going to his viewing and to the service they held on campus to honor his life and seeing all the people whose lives he had touched and knowing that their lives had forever changed.

However, of all the things I do and don't remember I will never forget the title of this post. Another mutual friend saw I was down and talked to me. He told me that life is a cycle and that things were better after this. Then he told me to get the hell up and stop acting like i was the one dying. He told me that i had a choice to either stay down or stand up and stay up, to quit or keep fighting, to live or to die. Obviously, I chose to live else I wouldn't be writing this. Yet, I feel like I am the person I've become with some help from that experience. People are the sum total of their experiences...the good ones, the bad ones, the sad ones, and the ugly. This was one of mine.

I still keep Christian's number in my cell phone and as I perused my contacts today I was inspired to write this post. Maybe it was an odd choice for my first attempt at blogging but honestly I don't give a damn if you think so. Honestly, life is full of possibilities, so hello, thanks for reading, Stay Up, Keep Fighting, and for God sakes Don't Quit.